The day I went 'mad'

Yesterday, I went 'mad'.

I became angry over the smallest matters and I might have been over critical of 2 friends. I felt as though I was once again on an emotional roller coaster. I was moody. I was pissed. I was happy. I was sad.

Don't really know why. Maybe there is something on the back of my mind. Like how animals, like elephants and lions, go 'mad' if they had a prick in their foot.

I hope I don't remain in this stage for long.

RAH!!!!!!!!!!!

The 'Lost Pages' - A girl called Angeline

Angeline was my student.

I was her geography teacher.

She was probably my brightest student in my favorite class.

But I remember her not because of her intelligence ... but because of her change. Her change in her attitude towards her teacher.

When I started teaching my favorite class, I realized she would try to 'hide' her talents. Maybe she was frightened of being 'shot' a question. Maybe she was shy. But I knew from day to day events, she was the brightest kid in that class of 35.

For the remaining 3 weeks, She just kept quiet during lessons. But when I marked her work, I knew she was the brightest kid in that class. Even when I asked her to smile more and participate more, she would still remind silent but attentive in class. Maybe that is who she is. And I accept her for that.

The day I left the school, I never got to say good bye to her. As her classmates came up to say farewell, Angeline didn't appear. And I felt a bit lost that she didn't come to see me. I did.

And I left the school and my favorite class.

A few weeks later, as I was making my way to dinner around 5pm on a Friday. I saw Angeline.

I thought for a moment; 'Should I go up and talk to her'. Eventually I did.

"Why so late still never go home?"

And then, I saw the brightest kid of my favorite class smile at me like she never did before. And she wouldn't stop talking to me for that short 10 mins. That smile was probably the happiest 'image' in my memory in a long while.

Her bus came and it was time for us to part again. As I wished her goodbye and best of luck... Angeline asked if I was going to go back to teach them. I didn't give her an answer. I just couldn't. Up till now, I still can't. As your teacher, I am sorry I may have to break that promise we made in class.

The reason I posted this was because, Angeline wasn't the only kid in that class that changed. I guess I will always remember that bunch of 'monkeys' ... G***, A*****, W** A**, C*** R**, J***, C******, S******, M*******, H** C***, A****** ... etc.

I will always remember them, not their names but at least their faces. How we joked together, the 'stupid' jokes they cracked, how noisy they were, those who always slept during lessons, the little 'sharing' sessions with me ... most of all, how they changed, just like Angeline, the girl who wouldn't smile even when I encourage her, till we met again that fateful day.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, if you ever see this blog post. I wish you good luck in life. Do your best, I believe in you guys. Remember Mr Tan's 3 'R's. And most of all, keep smiling.'

The 'Lost Pages'.

I am going to start a new blog section.

Its called the 'Lost Pages'.

This section will touch on matters I wanted to Blog about but I forgot to.

But then again I might have 'remembered' because I randomly noted them in my handphone, the candy bar. Yar my handphone is called the candy bar.

I think it is appropriate because when something is 'lost' it isn't really lost until you remembered you 'lost' it. Sounds confusing? Lets give a counter-example.

When something is not 'lost' it is probably found / around / present. At least it is acknowledge that it exist somewhere in your memories or mind. The most radical counter-counter example of this is ... that things are 'forgotten' or 'lost'. But then again, 'forgotten' matters are never found... cos you just don't realize it is 'lost'. Confusing. Yar, I think so too.

So the reason why I coined these matters 'lost' is because I remember I have to blog about them ... and usually this happens when I delete my smses, while I am lying on bed trying to sleep. So it means, when I blog about a 'lost page' it means I am suffering from insomnia... like now.

Bleah.

Harriet ... my own version of failblog.com

I believe most of you know I am a photographer... and a joker in any situation. So in order to make you all laugh, I present to you a collection of recently taken CORK photos... dedicated to my room mate... who woke up late for whatever 'lousy' reasons... Hope these pictures rock your socks... they are better the F@ceb00k.... haha

Men's product... Wild oat with HORNY goat weed? Si mi lan?

To all the geographers... new 'isms' ... Africanism?
Wait... when did music get so post colonial?

Yes our good old friend... the 'head' cleaner

F.B.I. a 100 years... poor person, have to suffer a century... hehe

And yes, they did say Rihanna would come to Singapore...
But not so soon right? Maybe this one from India... haha

Lastly to a 'shitty' day... SI MI LAN?

And yes... I hope you had a good laugh... I wish you a better tomorrow. Good night... Smoke break? haha

P.S. All photos are take by Myself. Ideas go out to Doreen and Joey. You 2 happened to be the similar sort of 'corkster' I see in the mirror everyday... haha

You are Tier 1.

I am sorry Scrubs, maybe I was too harsh. But I think you know it, you are a Tier 1 friend aka a friend I know who I can depend on as much as you can depend on me.

I know even if I say negative things about you, there are many more positive points in your character.

I know even if I always say you should wake up your idea, you are a person with values I treasure in life as well.

I know even if I claim you make me sad at times, one of those people who make me smile or laugh when I am sad is you.

Lastly,
I know even if I told you that you always disappoint me as a friend, I can always depend on you cause you won't turn me down.

Even if all the above is rubbish or isn't true, I will always believe you are that tier 1 friend above.

I really dont know anymore

I seem to be coming back here when I am ultra down or frustrated. I wish I can blog about the happy things but it seems like I can never do that. I don't know why.

I guess there are some people I owe an apology to in the past few weeks. If you feel you are, I am sorry. But today, I guess, goes down as one of those days I will remember. Remember for the 'crime' and inconsideration that I have once again committed. I know even when this day is over, I will have flashbacks of the moment in class today, when I told someone we should not do 'A' and we should do 'B' but in the end I myself did 'A'.

You know how somethings are not in our control and you have to change your decisions. And when it is, some people get 'left out', hurt or abandon. I hate groupings. I really wished I could do my best to ensure what people want. Yes, I know that is impossible and its childish to do so. But if you know me, you probably know what I will do to ensure you get your choice.

But the past few weeks, I really don't know anymore. I am slammed with tough decisions, a serious lack of time for myself, suffering from guilt and a lot more. I want to make everyone happy but I have too much on my plate. All around me has been disappointed faces and I really wish I could help. I really don't know who I am anymore. All I do is remain silent and suffer, sometimes alone.

I am seriously sorry A**** T***. I know I have been unfair and inconsiderate. I know you probably will go like "its ok", "there is nothing that can be done to improve it" or even maybe, "Leon you bitch". I don't know how you feel but believe me, I really wanted everything to go smoothly. But I can't. I tried but its was to no avail. I know I let you down for not doing my best.

If you ever do read this, in this life, I owe you one favor. Just ask me anything, I will do my best to keep to fulfill it. I am not asking for forgiveness but maybe, in a 'lame' way to some, a chance to forgive myself.