The search

I just finished my research for my edu psych lecture tomorrow. I wasn't feeling tired during the search, I just kept reading article after article.

But now that I have found the materials I needed for my lecture... I suddenly feel very tired. I think I am ready to rest.

Funny right? How we can be so motivated when we are struggling to find or complete something.

I just took a puff and I realize why I had been complaining about being tired and feeling restless. It wasn't because I have nothing left to do or find... but maybe its because for the past few weeks, I haven't been dreaming about the future and that I couldn't comprehend or define what the next 'search' would be. Due to my 'lostness' in life... I was so 'blinded' and couldn't be motivated to look ahead and dream.

For the past few weeks, the only time I wasn't tired was when I was out looking for stuff such as a book (Man's search for meaning), CDs, solutions to problems (making a simple tee shirt) I faced or just simply laughing with friends. I thought the reason I was so down and moody was because I didn't have enough physical rest and that I wasn't spending enough time with myself. But now I believe that reason for my restless and 'lostness' was wrong.

On days where I had absolutely nothing to do, I would wake up late, waste my day and feel very restless. But once I had a 'goal' for the day or moment, I would work with all my might to finish it. And ironically, once that 'search' is over, I would feel happy for awhile and then I would suddenly feel tired. Very tired.

Had similar incidents before? Feeling charged up with an aim and once you completed your 'mission', you just fall into a slumber and become super unmotivated?

Perhaps it is true, all we are looking for in life is a reason to live... and once you find a reason to live, no matter how tough the journey, it seems possible to overcome all obstacles in the way to our this reason.

And this reason, perhaps, starts from the dreams we have...

I believe for all those who have felt the same... maybe its time we learn to dream and search for reasons to live again. Maybe by setting long term goals and achievable successes, we can motivate ourselves through the worst of slumps and constant 'sianness'.

I think I am on track again. I look forward to the day I deliver the geographers' tee to my friends. I look forward to setting up a charity program for the kids. I look forward to teaching kids who remind me of how playful I used to be.

But maybe most of all, I look forward to the day I find that 'smile'.

For now the search continues... and I shall keep on dreaming. Oooh! Suddenly life is so exciting! Haha!

"If you can dream it, you can do it"
Walt Disney

Blog Post number 200 ... Dedicated to Rita Thia!

I can so hear you say... SIAO KAO!

Rita Thia! Now you got your wishes heard.

First, you got to meet up with me for a day... Rita was complaining about how long we haven't been hanging out... so I made her my 'back up' for today's outing to seletar...

Second, you got a blog post dedicated to you... so don't say I didn't do it... haha

Thanks Rita, for being the heroine of the day! While I was lost and confuse on deciding the geographer's tee... she was forced to help me and she did it willingly, even though she was sleepy and grouchy... haha.

Thanks Rits... for always being able to cheer me up. I know things aren't always smooth sailing but I really hope you always be okie, cause if you were down, I really don't know how to provide a remedy ... cause most of the time you are the remedy, when I am sad, I am sure your killer laughter will brighten my day up.

I hope we get to go on more 'cork up' outings often... It makes me smile. Really.

Really Sian Diao ... haha

The person I used to be scare of.

There are people in life whose first impression you make turn out to be a misjudgment.

I used to once believe that this fierce classmate of mine would never be my friend. This was because I used to think of her as someone who was a bit competitive and too serious in life. Yar, Jilyn, I thought like that before. You know it as well.

Yet today, when I needed some help during class. She volunteered. I still believe she volunteer because of our friendship. She knew, from my whining, that no one was willing to volunteer. So she decided to help me. And even when I ask for a scribe in class, she did it willingly. I believe if the class rep wasn't her friend, she probably wouldn't be bothered that much (yet, this might just be my perception). So yar, Jilyn thanks.

But what struck me to blog about it was... why would she even help someone like me, a playful idiot who isn't pretty much serious about life most of the time. When she volunteered to scribe down the points today, I felt kind of happy. I wasn't happy because someone was doing a job for me but because Jilyn was that someone (For all my idiot friends who think this is some 'romantic' expression ...Please don't think so far... I love you all but not in the romantic way haha).

I used to believe Jilyn would be someone I will always follow only as a leader. Someone I look up to for all her positives and her sincerity. Don't get me wrong, doesn't mean that helping me means I will change this belief. But as we ran to the other class to conduct a small discussion, I thought of something. Lets say if she was a 'knight' then I would be her 'foot soldier'. And seeing the 'knight' help me today... made me the happiest 'foot soldier' of the day... this 'image' just kept going on in my head at that moment, I don't even know why.

But the other point of this blog, is to remind myself how we even became friends in the first place. I always ask Jilyn, how did we ever became friends. And we will constantly be puzzled. Cause, honestly, we don't really remember how... I didn't even talk much to her in semester one. But nowadays, Jilyn seem to be the person I talk the most to in school. Yes, don't think so far you idiots.

I was just asking her, on MSN, when did we begin talking as friends, was it the post examinations dinner at lemongrass? Was it at daily scoops? Was it because I always volunteered to buy something back for a fellow Shearite? Jilyn (over MSN) claims it was at daily scoops, after honours class soccer match, when I asked her to organise the Indonesian BBQ dinner... haha Actually I cannot remember when exactly... but I guess we really talked as friends when we started sharing rubbish ideas and helping one another. I will always remembered if I needed advice on something, I could count on her. And when I needed an opinion or a listening ear, she would always be there.

"Sorry". Was the first word I told her back in sem 1... not a good way to start a friendship. Then again, till today I still say sorry for many random things. So in order to end this blog post, maybe I should also say sorry. Sorry for totally misjudging you from the beginning till today. Only today did I felt a lot more comfortable as a friend. I am glad, other then ganners, i just may have found another good friend who has a 'symbiotic' friendship with me. hehe.

"hehe den we have a symbiotic relationship!"

- The Educated Ah Lian, 2008 -

Losing 30 dollars isn't really the point.

Today was a great day.

Firstly, I finally felt a bit clearer about life, I breathe a lot easier and I see things in a much different light.

Secondly, Maths lessons was full of jokes ... we had so much fun laughing, 2 of my course mates couldn't stop laughing... "who said that?" "Angelina Jolie!"

Next, I got a lot of admin done ... paid the bills, went shopping for headphones and I cut my hair.

Thirdly... I kind of escape from the jaws of 'Mr carpark ninja' ... I was at Holland Village to pick Jilyn up and to get a book from the book store... I ran out of carpark coupons... so I placed an expired coupon to smoke the attendant, if he came to check. As I walked back to the car with Jilyn, I was telling her don't worry cause I don't care, 'fine me just fine lor'... but when I saw the carpark attendant walk across the carpark I was like... O M F***S! I ran to the car... but then, there was no ticket!!!! I was pretty sure the 2 attendants walked pass my car... haha. Maybe it really was my day... to meet 2 attendants who were sleeping on the job... worst still, after the enforcement of parking at Holland Village.

But no... It wasn't going to be entirely my day cause I lost 30 dollars at mahjong over at Uncle Jon's... made a stupid mistake and gave13 to Uncle Jon and overall 25 to Jilyn ... the person who prevented me from winning a couple of times... argh... haha

But yar, it really was a great day. Haven't felt like that in a long time. Even though I lost at mahjong, I am just happy at the end of the day, I got to spend time with Tomoko, Uncle Jon and Jilyn.

O Yar... Tomoko's curry rice is... heavenly haha

The value of out friendship.

I laid on my bed for hours.

Thinking about the split second mistake.

If I only I didn't shouted at a person I cared so much; Someone who makes me smile.

From 1145 till 1456, I really was very scared to wake up. Because I just wanted to ignore the realities.

I kept telling myself, as I laid there, that our friendship probably isn't that worth it.

But as I said, I was just trying to ignore the realities, our friendship is very much priceless.
That is why it hurt. Like a hole in the heart.

I kept looking at the phone from 1145 to 1456. Wanted to call you. But I didn't. Cause I was worried, It will piss you even more.

I kept looking at the phone from 1145 to 1456. I hope it rung, to indicate a msg from you.

It rung a couple of times, but it wasn't you.

I decided to crawl out of bed. Shifted the mouse on the table.

And there was your message at 1230.

Thank you for ensuring me the value of a true friendship.

I live with scars of my failures ...

Everyone is flawed. So am I.

It feels good to know one is flawed. It does. And slowly I am happier nowadays. Because I have close friends who know I am flawed. I think its very painful to live in a world that expects you to be someone who is flawless.

I think I have to thank my roommate, the educated ah lian, beehoon girl and dawa this week for seeing that I need to be accepted as a failure who is only human. I truely appreciate the fact you all can sense that something isn't right and decided to make it better for me.

O and thanks scrubs, for listening to me most of the days, even though you were random and 'irritating', you kind of make me smile in the heart. But please like what beehoon girl say ... sometimes listening to you will make our blood vein and artries burst... haha.

The 'Lost Pages' - Learning from good jokes and bad jokes

Yar, once again ... insomnia has kicked in. Maybe its because I slept too much in the afternoon. Then again, maybe I feel 'lost' again. So here I am, blogging about a 'lost page'.

Currently I am taking a course in N.I.E on pedagogy. What is pedagogy? In layman terms ... simply means 'how to teach a subject'. So this post is about pedagogy and a bit on the 'fruit' of pedagogy... learning.

Sometime ago, I remember sharing jokes and laughing till my tummy ached at Sentosa with Peiyong and Lao Ye (welfare beavers), Fifi the dragon and Talie. I remember telling them that with 3 jokes, I can roam the world looking for friends. If you want to know what are 3 jokes, I can tell you them as well.

However, then a thought struck my head... how could I can remember these 3 jokes very well. And how come only 3 jokes? Then I realize, these 3 jokes had a common characteristic: they were riddles that provide a positive outcome.

Then I wondered deep into my mind and I realized that some popular puzzles or riddles, such as 'black magic' or 'open close open close', are extremely difficult to recall. Even if you were told the solution and the key to the puzzle, often we would forget them easily. This is extremely true when your the only one in the group who doesn't recall or know the solution and the entire group mocks you for being a 'loser'.

But are we 'losers' because we really are dumb? or is it because our mind simply rejects such learning because of the negative thoughts of being an 'outcast' or 'loser' within that social group.

Now ask yourself: "would you feel easy if your friends seemed so much 'smarter' when they know the answer yet refuse to share it with you 'positively'?" I am sure I don't want to be in that situation again.

I notice I learn much better when the joke is a 'good' riddle that makes me happy and feel at ease. While 'bad' jokes are often forgotten because at the point of making an attempt to guess the riddle behind the joke, I feel negative and emotionally hurt due to the taunting of friends.

Hence, I think we all should practice a bit of kindness as well as consideration and stop making 'bad' jokes. We should try to stop 'belittling' our love ones, even if we don't intentionally do it. We may just end up hurtimg our friends and affect their learning. So for all those who really want to make your friends happier, tell 'good' jokes and throw away the 'bad' ones. Well you can apply this form of pedagogy to your everyday life as well. Be it to teach your kids, students, love ones, family members and friends. I am sure they will remember positive lessons, which make them feel at non-marginalised, much easier.

Hehe.

Food for remembrance

Peanut butter chocolate brownie.

That is perhaps my favorite type of chocolate.

That is also the first gift she ever gave me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not yearning to get back together.

Its just a sweet thought how food can make you remember memories.

Nowadays, anything sweet, be it ice cream, red bean puff, yam mooncake or toast with kaya make me feel better.

As long as I have friends next to me.

hehe.