4.28 am.

Its been like that for days again.

Its is some god forsaken hour and I am still awake. I don't feel tired. Plus, I don't even feel like sleeping.

Sometimes it is a amazing how all this is happening... I just had a day full of tiring activities... but I still cannot get to bed. I have no mood to tend to any other matters. All I do is watch TV. Stare blankly outside my window. Listen to music... But after 2 hours of trying... I am here, trying to document this event.

Argh.

Timeless.

You can be amazed at how long you can sit down with friends and talk about almost everything. Especially when you have not really met up in a long while.

Even after talking for hours... you still don't feel like leaving. And... the conversation can probably go on and on for hours if we did not have to sleep or go and attend to other stuff.

O yar, Gina and Ivan... I bathe. Unlike what you believe in.

A tomato can waiting to explode.

So much is happening nowadays... I think my mind and body can't really take it...

Insomnia is back... because I do not get the fatigue in the day to set me sleeping at night...

Once again there are many expectations to live up to... and I can only choose to entertain some. Its not like your demanded by everyone... But I feel there is a need to agree/settle somethings about many things.

It does not really feel good inside as well. Something happen recently and set me thinking again. As Liling will probably know I am utterly confused when it comes to death. I really hate that word ... yet sometimes I wish the end was near. I really think pain last much longer then happiness. And a preoccupied and confused life does not really help much.

Actually when I finally got to 'spend' sometime with an old friend yesterday... I wished I could have been a bit more concerned with people around me. I think guilt is consuming me slowly...

But am I really that heartless?

Maybe I just need to be a bit more organized. Ok, its time to stop questioning myself. And do something for people who matter.

O thanks Cheri ... "Concentrate on the living". Your right it makes sense.

"Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won't bloom
Winter's kept you
Don't waste your whole life trying

To get back what was taken away"

Kristy, are you doing okay? - The Offspring

Wow! Thats Great!

Yar, thanks to Chong Hans, my recent weekends have been filled with the phrase: "Wow! Thats Great!" ... but that is not the main story for the day.

I have been 26th for 2 days and so far... Its really great being a year older. Its been a long time since I am this happy... seriously.

I don't ask for presents. Many of you should know. I think its just great receiving simple stuff that makes me happy on my birthday like these...

1) a nice couple who drive you around (thanks Geri and Jarrod),
2) a full load of 'crappy' jokes, ultra cork comments like 'Wow! Thats Great!' (dammit minggers!), 'The illuminati and the illuminator... ', 'the arrows point to the carpark', stupid little movie sound effects,
3) a beautiful evening at orchard with an exciting movie lined up... , dinner and drinks with friends at a place we frequent...
4) the gift of the moment (ever since I failed my IPPT)... a Polar heartrate monitor (Thanks ganners for remembering and Minggers and Geri for sharing it... you probably just gave me like 5 more years of live expectancy... smokers die at an average age of 52 ~ 55)...
5) and of cause... a happy birthday 'surprise' in random places like Cineleisure.

Well when you throw in all these... I think I can't ask for more this year. Its already been an amazing evening and an ultra birthday...

But I think everything was possible because my dear friends simply rock. Seriously. Without people like these... birthday surprises and birthday outings would never exist. Right? So thank you Joseph, Charmaine, Adeline, Minggers, Jarrod, Geraldine and Joey for taking time off on a Saturday night to celebrate and laugh at me (whats new right?) on my birthday. Haha.

I think my 26th birthday was special.

I think the older I get... the better my birthdays get as well... yar seriously... Last year was probably the best birthday I ever had ... Who can forget the 'violet punk' and all those scrap paper after exams.

But this year was just as sweet... Their was a day packed with stuff, meals and sms messages. And who can forget alcohol, music, birthday cake and friends... although it wasn't a night that we got too drunk, I still loved the evening a lot.

So to recap the nice cool gathering at global sounds cafe ...
There was Stacy, who was nice enough to offer me a sit and drinks. Princess Siew (ever so bossy and demanding) and Jelly who were munching all the time. Adrc and Xuan for their 'hanky panky' act during the intermission. Rita, scrubs and Jilyn who were talking non-stop for the entire night and bursting into the occasional laughs. Elissa the 'I am not drunk but my face is totally red' drunkard haha. Attik who was there to steal the show... twice... once the mic, then the drums. Lorraine who gave a surprise visit. Seng Lee who was so enthu about playing cards but too bad they didn't have a deck. Ain who was checking out cute boys... o the lead guitarist. Faisal and his 'ribbon' vest. Emelynn, Clarissa, Hongyi and Engwhee who popped by after work... Eng Hwee I hope you found the surprise... old punks can work twice. Afidah and Jamal who were probaby 'couple' gossiping about stuff. Jasmine who was taking the whole entire night to get ready to club... haha. And to Dawa and phonics one... Great show, I will be there again!

Yeah... I think you guys did make the entire evening a pleasant surprise! Thanks for the presents as well. It reinforces the idea that your good friends are those who will 'listen' carefully to what you really need... an exercise ball (must be Paul or Dawa), the Sushi Teh card I always needed and wanted... thanks Jilyn you always rock as a close friend and the Munchkin expension pack... I think scrubs is responsible for this... cause I don't tell most people what I do for gatherings, you're an exception for random reasons I do tell you what I do over the weekends... sometimes only. And Rita, xuan and Ain (? I am clueless who is involved), thanks for getting the 'ball rolling' ... I think so lar. Where are my Gramaphone vouchers? Haha.

I would like to say, I enjoyed my 26th Birthday with you dudes. It was super lovely. Trust me haha.

P.S. If I did not credit you, I have nothing against you... but being a surprise... It isn't easy to guess who was involved at all. So sorry if I missed you out. But Thanks!

My Sister rocks!

I think it isn't too difficult to get a gift for me... I only shop at one place. haha.

But my sister still rocks... cause she could hide all suspicion from me and buy me the actual shirt I wanted.

I think buying shirts for people isn't that easy... but when I saw the quiksilver bag... Haha I know what I wanted is inside. Cause anything from that shop rocks my socks.

That is how easy I am satisfied. But surprisingly... even 'she' did not realize that when we were together... Just a thought... I am not straying donot worries people!

When effort is not everything.

I feel tired again.

Both physically and mentally.

What happens when effort is not enough.

When you tired all your means to put in place stuff and everything else seems to point the other direction. It seems as perfect as it was ... then things get ...

Its like everything is ready, even the 'east wind' (Romance of the 3 Kingdoms) but when everything is cast in motion... everything crumbles.

Argh. I really feel.... argh... less motivated to do things. Argh!!!!!

Normal

Thanks for all your simple messages.

I am really happy to receive all the messages of concern recently. But I am ok ... its quite normal to be sad right?

I am not really sad by the way. Its just that life is really life that. We are so busy with the same old stuff day in and day out... We lose track of time and all the things that are really important. And when you look back... its a sad feeling. But everyone gets that right?

It isn't the end of the world because it is normal. The truth is... I feel... even when we work hard enough... We just don't get our dreams or have our way. That is the truth.

I have always dreamt of teaching in a poorer country... where the temperature is chilly but it is sunny as well... Like early autumn in a temperate country. I often envision 'myself' to be pretty well like by the students there... and every time I end the class... I will hear the students' laughter all around me... and no one talks about the pressurizing grades. Yet everyone talks about what they have learnt for that day and how they can improve the environment.

That is my dream... I can 'see' it clearly when I offer myself sometime to 'wander'. But it just does not happen... even if I want it to. There are just too many complications for this dream to come true.

I think for now... I have come to terms with it... Life is not about me or my dreams. Now matter how hard I try... somethings cannot be changed. But while I continue to believe this way... I have seen another goal... that life is always about others... and I have found joy in that.

Yar, that is the way life is for me. I can complain and sound super 'emo' but I guess sometimes what my expressions in this blog spell is ... 'Normal'.

"Sometimes you find your destiny on the road you took to avoid it."
Wilhelm Wexler in 'The International' (2009)

I feel like i am drowning...

For months I have been swimming endlessly. And I am very tired.

The water is very cold and I have to swim alone. I have a life jacket... but I am worried it doesn't work. Instead of giving me security, I keep worrying about its ability to function. It feels like a burden at times...

O, there have been Island of warmth along the way... and I find spaces of rest and comfort on these islands... but mysteriously they too change over time and I have to move on... back into the chilling water...

The journey isn't all that bad... I see angels along the way... they cheer me up... some are familiar, some are distant, some come and go... but they are never around all the time.

Sometime ago... I started seeing shadows beneath me... There seem to be more then one type of shadows... I wonder are they fishes or rocks... I can't dive to take a clearer view... I am not too experience to dive down... Well I still swim on... In the cold waters...

Hey I see fins... I am worried. They seem to be fishes now... but are they sharks or dolphins? They look alike ... Well I can not decide... but I still have to swim...

But recently ... I feel the anxiety getting to me... I start worrying more... about the life jacket and the fishes beneath me... I start to freak out.

I wish the islands will reappear again and the angels would pick me up soon... I feel so tired I feel like drowning... My heart cannot really take it...

Hey an island is ahead! O my how I wish for it to be nearer! Great a time to rest... not now but soon...

Well I guess I will swim as hard as I can now. The island is the only motivation. I like swimming... but the waters can be cold and boring at times... So yeah... I have to continue feeling lost again. Well I am sure angels await me on the island in front of me.

Its been a long time since I had an attack...

AHHHHH!

The only reason why I would post at this time is obvious...

I am having an Insomnia attack! It is like the first in a long while...

Okie I am going to watch tv to try to sleep. Argh... I am going to have a bad day tomorrow. I can so feel it.

Piracy ... sorry Dawa and Descrates

Piracy... something we are all guilty of...

But then again like what Dawa said... How can we be original? Everything there is to say has been said (with reference to social studies examination papers).

Then how original can we get? If what we thought of probably has been mentioned or done by someone out there... all our 'creations' are actually (unwillingly) a 'simulacra' of somebody else thinking.

Think about... even thoughts like how you can surprise a friend have probably been used before... they probably came from some other person idea or some visual/ verbal cue... which probably is another 'simulacra'... yar it goes on and on like the song that does not end or like the infinite images between 2 mirrors.

So "are we human or are we just dancers?" (The Killers, 2009). Are we 'creators' or are with just mere performers? Do we identify with thinking or do we just copy?

I cannot answer that question ( I am sure there will be a bombardment via sms, email or simply get flamed if I attempt to). But I think we are humans because we have a heart and a will to decide. What makes us 'creators' are the motivations behind our actions. And we are probably entities that can thinking because of our will (consciouness) to motivate ourselves to do so.

So Descrates... I am sorry I adapted from your thinking... Cause I guess you are right... we are human after all... but while I was thinking about the thought ("who is original"), I think self questioning (which is a bit psycho) is like a good way to reply to that question.

Shuts time to sleep. I think I convince myself to do that at least. haha.

A bit more sober... seriously

I had too much to drink over the weekend. So much so, I had to suffer muscle aches and drowsiness for 2 whole days... Sat and Sun. It was so bad ... I constantly felt like sleeping... kind of 'sit out' the entire 2 days...

I think I am better today after waking up to reality that I have so much work to do at the workplace... Argh.

But I think its all worth it. Had a chance to spend 3 evenings with Mingers, Joe and Ganners... which we (or me at least) miss out for quite sometime. I feels odd though. The entire period, I felt so much younger. It seemed like we all went back to our university days where work life balance was super 'imba' ... well we played too much back then haha. And most of all we had the opportunities to sit down and talk about our lives, reflect on our directions and remember those times we cheerish so dearly.

I wish I had more time. Because I still see so much potential in life, especially with friends. I really dislike being 'sober'. I wish I can remain 'drunk'. But then, its a wish and a thought... the reality is we are 'sober' for other practical reasons.

Yet its moments and times with friends that inject the possibilities of dreams and the satisfaction of work life balance. No harm dreaming right? Haha. So yar... we should all take a step back and see what with have been missing out... I believe if you do it with the help of your friends, our lives will be much more fulfilling.

Don't you wish you had a delete button?

I think its very odd how we exist without an accessible 'delete' button to some of our memory.

I was reminded of a saying 'Right-side in. Left-side out.' (referring to information not being retained by the brain). Then I realize how I wish some things heard or remembered could be 'deleted' as easy with a touch of the fingertip.

I still remember embarrassing moments from Primary school which pop out once in a while and obviously the more recent hurtful words being mentioned by friends. Sometimes remembering certain memories can really turn your day upside down.

I wish I can just 'throw' these pointless and worthless memories away. I don't appreciate them at all. Its just a simple waste of space. Yet it still harbours around and around... like how Voldemort constantly irritates Harry, and us, with the irritating words of "Harry, Harry, Harry....". Argh.