A series of bad nights and I am still here ... wide awake.

Once again I am still wide awake. At the ungodly hours of the morning.

I don't really know how I manage to keep awake without yawning. But I have slowly grown to accept this 'curse' and use it to my advantage. With my 'super-human' ability to stay awake... I have gradually finished up piece of work from the office and I believe when I enter class tomorrow... my little children will be appreciative of it. haha.

The only thing is I will crush badly tomorrow and I may find it way more difficult to control my emotions... but for my little children, I have to learn to control my anger. For this is my curse, not theirs.

I believe there is no solution but to see a doctor soon. I am really worried why the hell I am wide awake at this moment. Well, I am not really sadden by it. In fact, I am trying to be humorous at 0256 hrs... how amazing. Haha.

1,2,3,4 - A song that reminds you of hope

I think the world needs a bit more love.

And this song is exactly the kind of song, that gets stuck in your head and gets its job done. Well it gives you a particular warm and bubbly feeling. Something the world needs a bit more of.

Well, thanks to Lynn for reminding me (on a boring weekend) that such a song existed in my collection and to Beryl who told me that the songs keeps telling her that there is 'hope' of finding love. Something the world needs a bit more of.

Well, I personally wouldn't say the song reminds me of finding someone special to love... I think its a bit tough now... I am enjoying life the way it is and Ms 'close to Mrs right' isn't anywhere to be found ... yet. haha. But it did reminded me of being more giving. Of late, I have been so busy, I only meet up with my usual homies... I wish I had more time to meet up with my other love ones... but it seems so tough. Well maybe this song will tell you... and me ... that we need to try loving one another more... and show love during these tough periods... Something the world needs a bit more of.

1,2,3,4 - Plain White T's
(Watch it here)

1,2 - 1 2 3 4
give me more lovin then i've ever had.
make it all better when i'm feelin sad.
tell me that i'm special even when i know i'm not.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
barely gettin mad,
im so glad i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy,
as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.
(i love you)
give me more lovin from the very start.
piece me back together when i fall apart.
tell me things you never even tell your closest friends.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
best that i've had.
[ Plain White T's Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
im so glad that i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.i love you
(i love you)
you make it easy, its easy as 1234
theres only one thing two do three words four you i love you
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
thats what ill do i love you
(i love you)
i love you i love you.
one two three four i love you.
(iloveyou)
i love you
(i love you)

its so tough when you need to choose between 2 'right' choices

Option 1: You serve your mc...
Stay away from kids and colleagues so they don't get infected.
Take care of your health and get more rest.
Stay away from school because the government policy is such during this period.

Option 2: You go back to school after being given mc for flu and cold...
Clear up syllabus for 2 maths class.
Settle matters with regard to form class.
Settle admin.
Lead by example as you seem so focused on student learning.

Now you tell me which one is the right thing to do?
well... I will decide tomorrow morning...

Hopefully I don't regret any choice.

Time to close the Chapter?

Today we graduated. The ceremony wasn't too grand. There wasn't champagne.

Only photos to remember the day.

In many ways, I attend the ceremony only to meet my friends. To see how people were doing. And I am glad most of you are doing fine.

Even though the whole event was supposed to be "emotionally detaching" (Because it just didn't feel special to graduate this time around) I am feeling a bit rotten. Inside me. I don't really know why but sometimes you get so tired about certain things... you wish things end instantly. But they don't seem that way.

When I drove into campus today... I couldn't help but remember staying in hall. All my friends. A great room mate to accompany you. Dinner. Movies. I remembered waking up late for lessons. Listening to tunes like no one cared. Beer. Smokes. All the freedom I had.

As I reached for my D50... I realized something. Something that made me kept my camera in my bag... something that sadden me a bit.

The sad thing is I realized... I never captured all the little small things that I would want to remember on film. We never had much photos of us doing things that defined us or amused us. Photos that show the freedom we once had.

I think I am slowly losing my interest in taking pictures... maybe its because I have lost focus. I think changes in our lifestyle and ideals from society have led me to lose focus... I don't really know. Perhaps its time to remember who I really am. When does the search end? For now maybe we just forget about 'what could have been' and to go on with the next part of our lives... maybe this time around I will try doing things the way I would prefer it to be? I hope I can.

A very lovely weekend

This week I been blessed.

I started to get a hang on teaching... I manage to finish what I intended to teach and the children are happy. It surely is satisfying.

But more importantly, you get to spend a weekend with your love ones.

It started out with lunch with my colleagues and my students in the canteen. Although it was raining and we couldn't go out for lunch ... we manage to have a good hour chatting with the students and catching up with various colleagues.

Next, I am very satisfied with my running timing. I manage to cut down on my 2.4 timing and I find it less tiring to do the fat burning runs. Maybe its time to take one step further and run a bit longer.

Of cause a good weekend cannot be started without drinks... haha yar I am a bit on the alcoholic side but you all cannot blame me. Clubbing and drinking are just essential to a weekend because of the shit load of stuff you have to look into during the week.

Next the lovely outings that I had over the weekend made it clear that life isn't simply about surviving. Its also about enjoying it with friends. Brunch, shopping, hanging out at macdonalds, a simple pizza, spicy drumlets, beer at happy days and the long car rides kept the weekend so much more exciting.

Obviously, a weekend can never be possible without friends. So thank you laremy, yanhe, ben, wongs, khid, S house juniors, jean and geri for meeting me over the weekend. I am glad we had a chance to meet up and such. I think 'life' (as we dream of it) like is just immpossible to exist without you folks.

Breaking down.

Mr L: "pooooof! Damm Shag"
Me: "Yar same here."
Mr. L: "Hey wanna go for lunch"
Me: "Yeah, I don't mind but give me a while... I just scolded my class and I think I am emotionally stressed"
Mr. L: "Same, I just scolded my class."
Me: "Yar me too."

That was a conversation I had with my colleague this after just before lunch. Today for the first time in a long while. I let my emotions out, not infront of my students at least.

For too long I have been trying to smile and motivate (I think psyching) myself to be very patient and to tolerate students.

But today, after trying so hard for sometime, I started to feel myself again. I felt that connection with the kids. When you know they know you are upset and you sort of affected them as well. And I do feel rotten inside. The children are so young ... and I feel their pain as they are stressed to perform and confine.

Why can't kids just grow up the way they are or want to be? They are bright no doubt but it is seriously painful to seem them 'included' in an educational system, where some of them would choose to leave if given the choice.

Yar, you can say they would have less of a chance to be successful outside school... I tell myself that too... but at least they chose. I really don't want to punish or discipline them... because I would not want myself to go thru such shit... for once since JC... I see myself in their position... young and dangerous... angry and confused.

I swear today I wanted to cry ... But I know I cannot breakdown. No choice, if you choose to educate... you must inspire perservance ... I am glad I didn't breakdown today... but only time will tell who the fuck we really are.

A bit of nostalgia ... on a day we remember our youth.

It feels good to be given a 'day-off' from teaching. You get a chance to sleep in, take a break and do things you want to do.

So if you all know me well enough, what will I do on a free day? Well I probably will do the things that I loved the most... like swimming and buying cds. haha. Yar, and I purposely went to Queenstown swimming complex... My favourite pool cos no one swims there. Then I headed down to Holland Village's Gramaphone... just to buy cds.

But the high light was eating at eddy's western food stall. Its located near heartland mall, Kovan. It was the shop I used to go when I was a youth. And I managed to eat my favourite chicken cutlet.

After the meal I sat by the void deck and lighted a cigarette, I looked back at a simple but meaningful day. And sometimes when you just stop trying to cope with 'life' you realize its always good to look in the past for some form of 'retro' feeling. Because it reminds you that we should stop trying once in while to survive but live a life that we once enjoyed. How many times have we forgotten who we really are because we cease to see the important point in life. That is enjoying it.