You were never my equal cause i was always willing to put you above myself

I never wanted anyone to be like me or to be as good as me, especially Mish. A lot of you know that i encourage people to live to their fullest potential but i will always say: 'the choice is up to you ... i don't want to 'hai'/ 'sabo' you.'

I never did tried intentionally to make anyone commit to my decisions of how they should act. I think I can't as well... because I am weak. But no matter what, I wish that my friends get what they seek intentionally too obtain. And best is i wish they did it their way. I have always looked up to people; with few wishes that people respect me back.

Well today has been a rough day in that sense. I really wish Mish would understand, from the bottom of my broken heart, I wish her the best in life and most of all, I wish her love. Nothing else. For now I just hope she is safe and sound and that she is doing well in life.

"I wish you shelter from the storm,
A cozy fire to keep you warm;
But most of all, when snowflakes fall,
I wish you love."

I Wish You Love - Written by Leo Chauliac/ Translated by Albert A. Beach

Chalets are meant for fun ... So is project 6

Yesterday was Justin's 21st birthday party. So Happy Birthday 'fashion disaster' thats what some call him. I don't think so at all. I know of a certain few 'fashion disasters' floating around in ARTS ... such as the famous 'white girl' who is always on clubbing mode or 'auntie boy' with his/her white leather shoes and auntie pants.

The fun part was getting together with the Shakinehs at Justin's chalet. A group of monsters who will poke fun at you ... but they have something for one another ... respect for friends. It was fun being out with them as we laugh at each other and make jokes one after the other. I think the Shakinehs remain the last batch of freshies that i will be ever be so close to ...

Most of my other friends never agree with me being so attached to the Arts Club or doing so much for them. Some even question why i return for Fass Forward (Arts Camp 07) regardless of what happen during elections 06. I think they seriously misunderstood Leon on that. What I do or go through at the expense of my own studies or time is purely for the freshies and my juniors. I think one of the factors that kept me going on in school are these juniors and friends I met from these camps.

I can't explain the feeling to you all. The only way to understand this is to experience the 'magic' that is evoked in such events. Too bad... the 'magic' will die off for me this coming Augs... its my last o week... Sadness. Thank you Skylar, Satay, Poof be Artxocised, Project Shoot It! 06/07, 2 FASS 2 Furious, Fast Forward and everyone i forgot to mention...

It was raining and there were no cabs ... what to do?

Disappointed, irritated, annoyed, angry, self-realization then regret. I believe that is a simple cycle of a negative incident. Well it happened all to me today ... when i realized my brother took the keys to the car just before i left home for work.

Damm... the first thought that came to mind was how am i going to reach work on time with public transport at that moment. I was going to be late for the first time since i made an effort to be on time for work. Naturally i got damm irritated and annoyed with the culprit behind the 'theft' of the car keys, my brother. In a moment of anger, i called and sms my brother to declare 'war' because of his irresponsible actions. But once i reach the work place late ... i started to think "S***, was all those arguments necessary?" That made me felt bad about it. I really felt shitty the whole day for arguing with him over such a cork matter. Worse, he was nice enough to pass me the car keys in orchard.

I think this is how my older brother and I communicate ... mostly in negative terms and 'offensive' undertones for the past few years. I know that I always been the 'open troublemaker' between both of us... I never let him off whenever i have a chance to get back at him. After being so hostile towards each others these couple of years... I start to think... is it actually worth it? I mean, is there another way i can communicate with my brother?

Leonard is a great brother and slowly I am learning to accept him again. I think he has done the nicest things for Leonora and me. I wish he could have higher EQ at moments but slowly i think i need to coordinate with his actions in order to make things work. I think we are in a much better stage then a year ago. At least we haven't openly express unhappiness about each other or quarreled this year. I really think its time I try to communicate with my brother effectively before it is too late and we never get the chance to accept one another in the future.

I don't want an enemy in my own home. I think i should start being nice to my brother. After all, he is my only brother who has help me through the years. I think i need to learn to be a better brother and learn to be less anal about stuff.

It is so quiet in the car without my 'little niece', Selena Tan

I think a lot of you have been asking me: "So who is this friend you are going out with" or "Which Girl? Which Girl!" haha please friends don't over react - there is nothing going on. She is just my 'little niece' Selena Tan (actual name Huishi).

Selena is an ultra lovable little kid to me. I think i owe a lot to her during this period... cause things would have been much worst if she wasn't around ... i probably have died (not physically but mentally and spiritually).

I knew her from the Field Studies ... we might not be good friends if we didn't do our Bangkok project together cause Selena thinks i am a fierce person ... am i? Selena is 'Little Miss Field Studies' to me. Without this 'energizer' the Field Studies would have been so different... thanks Selena

O yar ... she is an excellent co-driver/ brat/ nuisance/ passenger in 'violet' (my purple Honda Airwave). As much as she would always flicker the lights on and off/ turn on and off the sun roof/ Sing to the tunes (She can sing 'Shan Wu Hai' extremely well)/ hit the replay button/ make noise (especially "Uncle Tannnnn!" followed by "Call for fun one") - I enjoy traveling with her cause she knows how to navigate using the street directory and make decisions like where to eat and stuff... However there are many more i would mention about this little niece of mine. After all, she is Prof Phua... the genius who taught me how to set up a blog.

Little Miss Field Studies - Selena and Me

You all are noisy... but it was great fun!

Hey guys, I think most of you know i am currently a bit 'introvert' mode. I really don't want to go out with a big group of friends... certainly not people who will ask me "so how are you?", "how are things between Mish and you" or "are you better?".

If this are questions you all want know, I am still suffering inside and I thank you for your concerns. But I want to be alone or simply with a small group of friends i like hanging out with people such as Chocobos, Charz, Ivan, Gina, Becks, Jared and Huishi. I am sorry for my retarded mannerism but I am suffering inside still.

Well today i had a fun day... mainly because i met up with Becks and Gerald for ice cream and later on Ivan, Gina and Charz for supper. I think these are people who know I am down and try not to poke me too much about it. I thank you guys lots and you all rock k?

Well there is a sight comment though... Ivan is damm high and noisy today... he is like... terrible k (haha obviously i am joking), he had to be so noisy he disturbed a couple's private moment... but i guess that is the sort of fun i need now. True friends entertain you all the way. And i believe Ivan is one of those more understanding friends i have now.

I am not trying to be an enemy to anyone these days. I just need my friends to be understanding. I am sorry if i seem to left you guys for a moment but believe i am trying my best to recover.

I know i am a disappointment in many ways that i do not attend the birthday parties or what, I just can't bring myself to be happy. Charz, for this i apologize because you are the one that is always willing to ask me despite my retarded replies... one day, i promise i will say yes. i wish i can say yes now but i don't think i want to be in a big group now days. I just like it the way it was today - You, Ivan, Gina and me (i don't mind 1 or 2 more but a big group will just make me feel like S***)

Yar ... this is how i felt today, Mixed feelings but over all i am happy, thanks to you friends.

"i am quiet but i am not gone. Just lost for these moments. I promise I will be back"

What i was up to during the Semester Break.

This semester break has been one of the most different, painful and memorable in all my holidays. I think i have gone through so much that i am slow experiencing a change in me. I don't even know what change it is. Well, maybe i will slowly be able to coin a word for this feeling. i need to slowly review this period in time to understand what i have experienced. But i think, friendship is a good word to begin with.

This semester break i believed i made a group of beautiful friends from the field studies trip to Thailand. I really miss them a lot. I miss waking up early in the morning, completing my morning jog, shower and joining them for breakfast. I miss taking transportation with these people, knowing that they are the closest people i have in Thailand. I miss playing pranks, singing and drinking with all of them. I really wish i could go back to Thailand with them once again ... I miss you guys.

Field Studies mates 2007 - 1 Final picture for the memories

Cambodia aka Khmer Land. That is where i traveled together with Joey for 10 days. I think through those 10 days, i got to know Joey much better. I got to know him as 'Ah Jud' and 'Worry Mama', those were for laughs. I learnt whom i could trust and depend on as a friend when I need one. Thanks Joey.

Joey and Leon - Our tour group photo

Well, there are many parties still to be mentioned ... Harriet, Jon, Dex, Yanhe, Ivan, Charz, Gina, Swi, Matt, Bingjie, Jeanette, Becks, Shakineh, Arts camp 07, Carols, JJ, Bit, Josh and a lot more lar. It is true that we didn't spend much time together this holidays but for me i felt much closer to you guys. Thanks. Although i didn't have time or pictures to post about them here, i would do post about you all soon. After all this blog is mainly about our friendship.

Friendship Transcends Differences

French Girl Befriends Cambodian Girl - Independence Beach, Sihanoukville, Cambodia July 2007

Colourless with you

Well this would be my first official post and i shall post about the most important thing in my life now. Yes that will be you, Mish, if you ever do read this. You probably won't read it anyway but i just wanted to post about you!

I think its odd why i never blogged before our breakup or why only started now. Honestly, i always wanted to start one (ask Laremy, Ivan and the Ungs, i always told them i wanted to). well i can't answer why i only started now. Yesterday, Charz question me: Did you start a blog so you can write sweet things to her? Well, i know that this blog isn't dedicated to do that. But i believe Mish does play a huge significant role in my decision to blog. Cause i realize, i have a lot to say to everyone and especially to Mish.

Since we broke up, i lost a lot. In fact, it feels like i lost everything. I can't function properly and i can't stop thinking about her. I admit, i initiated the break up, for what reasons it isn't important anymore because whatever has happened is the past already and Mish wants to move on. I respect her decision and what keeps me going on these days is telling myself at least you get to do what you want and that you are happier this way.

I was a selfish boyfriend. I never had time for the girl who loved me so and taught me how to smile and sing. Most of all, i could not give her unconditional love she deserved. But now when she is gone, i regret everything. Sometimes i wish i could turn back time and did the right things. Truth is ... i can't do that. So lets move on. Well ... things are better now i believe and i start to see a positive changes in me, this blog is one great example.

Regardless of what is changing, happening or how Mish feels, i decided to wait for her. I made a choice and there is no turning back, just disappointment if we may never be together. However this is pale in comparison to what i have done to hurt her. So sincerely i wait and try to win that lost trust and her heart back. I know that though things change ... my love is constant for her. In fact, since she left ... my life has been colourless without her. I believe she is the one that can put the colour back into my life.

Learning How to Smile - Mish and Me

"You make me sing. You're every line, you're every word, you're everything"

Everything - Michael Buble

The Beginning...

Peaceful after a day's work

This is me sitting by the beach in Khao Lak.