Breaking down.

Mr L: "pooooof! Damm Shag"
Me: "Yar same here."
Mr. L: "Hey wanna go for lunch"
Me: "Yeah, I don't mind but give me a while... I just scolded my class and I think I am emotionally stressed"
Mr. L: "Same, I just scolded my class."
Me: "Yar me too."

That was a conversation I had with my colleague this after just before lunch. Today for the first time in a long while. I let my emotions out, not infront of my students at least.

For too long I have been trying to smile and motivate (I think psyching) myself to be very patient and to tolerate students.

But today, after trying so hard for sometime, I started to feel myself again. I felt that connection with the kids. When you know they know you are upset and you sort of affected them as well. And I do feel rotten inside. The children are so young ... and I feel their pain as they are stressed to perform and confine.

Why can't kids just grow up the way they are or want to be? They are bright no doubt but it is seriously painful to seem them 'included' in an educational system, where some of them would choose to leave if given the choice.

Yar, you can say they would have less of a chance to be successful outside school... I tell myself that too... but at least they chose. I really don't want to punish or discipline them... because I would not want myself to go thru such shit... for once since JC... I see myself in their position... young and dangerous... angry and confused.

I swear today I wanted to cry ... But I know I cannot breakdown. No choice, if you choose to educate... you must inspire perservance ... I am glad I didn't breakdown today... but only time will tell who the fuck we really are.