The search

I just finished my research for my edu psych lecture tomorrow. I wasn't feeling tired during the search, I just kept reading article after article.

But now that I have found the materials I needed for my lecture... I suddenly feel very tired. I think I am ready to rest.

Funny right? How we can be so motivated when we are struggling to find or complete something.

I just took a puff and I realize why I had been complaining about being tired and feeling restless. It wasn't because I have nothing left to do or find... but maybe its because for the past few weeks, I haven't been dreaming about the future and that I couldn't comprehend or define what the next 'search' would be. Due to my 'lostness' in life... I was so 'blinded' and couldn't be motivated to look ahead and dream.

For the past few weeks, the only time I wasn't tired was when I was out looking for stuff such as a book (Man's search for meaning), CDs, solutions to problems (making a simple tee shirt) I faced or just simply laughing with friends. I thought the reason I was so down and moody was because I didn't have enough physical rest and that I wasn't spending enough time with myself. But now I believe that reason for my restless and 'lostness' was wrong.

On days where I had absolutely nothing to do, I would wake up late, waste my day and feel very restless. But once I had a 'goal' for the day or moment, I would work with all my might to finish it. And ironically, once that 'search' is over, I would feel happy for awhile and then I would suddenly feel tired. Very tired.

Had similar incidents before? Feeling charged up with an aim and once you completed your 'mission', you just fall into a slumber and become super unmotivated?

Perhaps it is true, all we are looking for in life is a reason to live... and once you find a reason to live, no matter how tough the journey, it seems possible to overcome all obstacles in the way to our this reason.

And this reason, perhaps, starts from the dreams we have...

I believe for all those who have felt the same... maybe its time we learn to dream and search for reasons to live again. Maybe by setting long term goals and achievable successes, we can motivate ourselves through the worst of slumps and constant 'sianness'.

I think I am on track again. I look forward to the day I deliver the geographers' tee to my friends. I look forward to setting up a charity program for the kids. I look forward to teaching kids who remind me of how playful I used to be.

But maybe most of all, I look forward to the day I find that 'smile'.

For now the search continues... and I shall keep on dreaming. Oooh! Suddenly life is so exciting! Haha!

"If you can dream it, you can do it"
Walt Disney